Monday, February 14, 2011

Partner Massage Class for Valentine's Day

From the Making The Rest Of You Look Bad Dept.: Mrs Elliott and I took an all-day class at COCC yesterday. "Partner Table Massage," it was. Tonight we give each other massages. For Valentine's Day.

Pause for a moment and let these words sink in. I have tens of readers in Bend and nearby. Many of them are women. With husbands. You may be married to one of those women. And right now she's thinking, "George never does anything that sweet for me." I am, to be clear, making you look like a pathetic, unimaginative, lazy yutz with your $30 worth of predicable cards, flowers, the cheap waxy Russell Stover chocolates you picked up from Rite Aid at lunchtime, and dinner at the Black Bear Diner. 

But don't blame me. I can't help what an awesome husband I am! I can't be responsible for your lack of awareness of how goddam important this holiday is to women. It's Love! Romance! Being treated like someone Special!

I've done what I can. Questions?

You, with your hand up. Yes you. No, not the person behind you, you! Your question?

Right, yes, I understand that Love! Romance! and that special thing are female fantasies.

You want to know what you get besides a lighter wallet?

First, you're an unromantic lout. Second, you forget that a happy wife means a happy life.

But if you need something more, you juvenile selfish pig, and hanker for something a little more concrete, look ahead, my friend, to March 14. It's Steak & a B.J. Day.

But you must be deserving.

Are you deserving?

Get cracking. You've got until 6 o' clock to make plans and track down the required tools and matériel. 
(Note: any place that does not take reservations isn't suitable for Valentine's Day. If you don't already have reservations you have two choices: offer to cook a gourmet dinner for your loved one [That's my plan -- Ed.], or get struck by a car while crossing the street and go to the ER.)

You're welcome.


  1. Getting the steak should be no problem. The BJ, that's another story.

  2. "Tens of readers"? Really? C'mon, Jack.

  3. Okay. Ten readers. On a good week. Had to humiliate me, didn't you?

  4. Well, 10 readers a week = 52 readers a year, and that's "tens of readers." So you ain't lying.

  5. Does it change things if it's the same ten readers, over and over?


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